As the end of the month is upon us I couldn’t let this month end without taking the time to post about Infant Loss Awareness Month. I had alot of difficulty opening up about this after one of the babies I babysat passed away last New Years Eve so I found myself not ready to talk about it just yet, but a close friend will be taking over today and discussing her loss a few years ago.
Sarah and I have been friends for what seems like forever so her is her story.
Miscarriage: My Story, Our Story!
When I was approached by Claudia @WithLoveClaudia to share my miscarriage story, I was honored but at the same time, I questioned how I could put into words such profound pain, avoiding causing any sadness to those reading it. Then I put myself in a reader’s perspective and remember how much relief and comfort I found when others shared their stories with me, it helped me not feel “alone” through such deep valley.
I was 24 when we decided to conceive for the first time. We were nervous but very excited for what was to come. We had been married for a little over 6yrs (your math is right, I was 18). My husband and I always talked about our future, our plans, and nonetheless, children were our heart’s desire. What an exciting journey. The anticipation of what was to come. So many dreams and expectations.
I had a beautiful and healthy pregnancy and God granted me an amazing birth. When I held Bella in my arms it was the most magical moment. Motherhood was taken to another level. That day I found a new profound meaning to it.
Fast forward 4years. We were ready to give Bella a sibling; she had been asking for a baby sister for a while.
When I found out I was pregnant I knew I wanted to make it a surprise for Bella. I went and bought a “best big sister” shirt, put it in a gift box and gave it to her. She cried of excitement, it was such an emotional happy moment. Now let’s surprise daddy! She wore the shirt and we went to show daddy our new outfit. Bella’s giggles are still so present in my mind, she couldn’t contain herself. Daddy was ecstatic!
First doctor’s appointment, everything was great.
First pregnancy was amazing, why wouldn’t this one be?!
14 weeks pregnant. We were getting ready to go to church, on a Friday night. I went to use the restroom and saw I spotted, one tiny streak of blood. I remember feeling cold and this deep sadness just consumed my whole heart. I came to my husband crying, his face could tell it all, the fear in his eyes as he asks “what’s wrong?” He tried to calm me down and reassure everything was fine, it was going to be fine. We took all the precautions, call doctor, lay down, etc. I stopped spotting.
Saturday, was an ok day, no spotting, but my heart could not release this sadness I had deep inside. Is my baby ok? Will everything be ok? Was this the normal spotting many women experiences? So many concerns in my mind.
Sunday morning we go to church and during the worship, I went to the restroom. I was bleeding! It’s not just a streak, there’s blood. I cried uncontrollably. As we get home and call our doctor he tells us to go to the hospital. I remember driving over there fearing what was to come. The whole ride was a big silence, we didn’t have to say a word we knew what our hearts were speaking.
I had all exams done and the doctor comes in and says I have a UTI, that’s probably why I have experienced some bleeding, I needed to see my doctor on Monday. I wasn’t happy with just that, I want to know if everything is really ok? They did an ultrasound, no heartbeat. But no concrete answer, he refused to say I was losing my baby.
Next day I go to the doctor to check my hCG levels. “We’ll call you to let you know the results,” said the nurse. The sweet doctor’s assistant that examined me, embraced me, told me God was in control of it all. She knew, I knew, my husband knew what was going on but we still had hope, I was holding to the hope “all is fine” this is just a scare.
The wait for that one phone call was so agonizing. I received the call. “Sarah, I’m sorry but….” Nooooo, this can not be happening! Everything just runs in slow motion in your mind but at the same time crashes so fast like a lightning. The pain came from within every single part of my body, from my heart, from my soul. It ached. I wept! In my husband’s arms, we both wept. Sadness just consumed that whole room in my house. I look at him and say “what are we going to tell Bella?” How do we tell our precious little one she won’t be a big sister, that her dream has been taken from her. I didn’t care about my pain, all I cared at that moment was my precious little one, her tiny heart full of dreams and expectations of being the big sister.
We came back home. Bella was now with us. We asked God for so much strength and words of wisdom to tell her what just happened. We prayed her heart would be comforted. We sat down and my husband, with words that came straight from God’s heart, explained to her our baby was in heaven. She was ok; she was such a strong little girl at that moment. Lots of hugs went on. There was crying but so much braveness. We were so grateful to God she was handling this so bravely.
That same week she had a breakdown in the middle of an aisle at the grocery store. She started crying saying how much she missed the baby.
It’s amazing how much love you have for a tiny being you never met.
I was fragile. I was broken. I was hurt! In moments of silence and absence of all the daily commotion, I cried. I asked God for his strength and peace. Let me tell you He never fails. He is a loving God.
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
Though there were times of sadness and tears, we found strength in God. We knew He’s will is perfect! His ways are greater than ours. Even though we might not understand the WHY, because our finite mind does not allow us to comprehend His infinite plans, we knew He was in control.
We live in a world where we will experience sadness, hurt, losses, struggles, but knowing we have a greater God, that overcame death and lives, we can be reassured He is our strength in times we feel dismayed, our shelter and peace in times of raging storms.
So many people showed us their love and support. Support from women that experienced the same loss. We are forever grateful for all those lives that with their sweet words and loving embraces allowed us to heal.
I (we) chose to trust and praise God through my (our) difficult time, our raging storm. I hope that whatever pain or difficult time you might be enduring, that you may find strength in Christ and that your heart may choose to trust and praise Him!